For a long time now i’ve debated over if I wanted to put my testimony up or if I didn’t. I decided that maybe MY testimony could help speak out to other people who might have been going through the same thing. I will warn you in advance though, i’m not the greatest typer, I suck at English so if parts get confusing for you I am really sorry. ALSO, I don’t know how long it will be or how short it will be so please stick with me through the whole thing…
So my testimony is probably like everyone else’s. Well probably not. I grew up going to church all my life. I went to church events, participated in church, the whole nine yards. But I just believed what I was told. Like you know how you tell kids that there is a santa claus? That was me. I believed every word I was told and didn’t look anything up on my own. My old church could’ve told me that I was going to hell cause I didn’t believe as much as they did (which they didn’t) and i’d be on the ground crying because I believed it. But then there came times where my faith was a bit shaky. Where I looked back and wondered “God where are you now? Why didn’t you help me?! Why did you take her away.” I will start with one that maybe a few people can understand.
When I was little my mom was really bad at bringing guys home. She was always having sex and she never held relationships. But, she finally brought a “good” guy home. His name was Bryan. I will tell you, he was kind of an alcoholic, the reason I say kind of is because I don’t really remember fully if he was. He started off verbally abusing my mom. Then he started towards us kids. He told my oldest sister that he didn’t want to go near her because she was fat and then he went after the two youngest me and Jess. He would sexually molest us. We were little and he’d go “Here let me rub your tummy.” but then he would touch us. I didn’t want my sister Jess to have to go threw that so I did my best to keep her away from him. He ended up making her bleed one time. So we went through that for awhile. He was a sick individual. He beat up on my mom and us. I then wondered in that “God, why did you let this happen. I thought you loved me!”
He finally got out of our house and I wasn’t “mad” at God anymore. My grandma continued to take us to church but then she got cancer.. She had stomach cancer and she passed away. When she died I had IMMEDIATE hatred towards God. My grandmother was my bestfriend. I loved her and it took me so long to get over that she died. I immediately cursed out God because he took her away from me. My parents the whole time would be like “She’s in a better place now. She isn’t hurting no more.” I was selfish and didn’t care if she wasn’t in pain. I wanted her back.
So in my time of not loving God I turned towards witchcraft. I tried all I could to learn magic but it didn’t work. I relied on everything to learn to bring people back to life. But at the age of eight there wasn’t much I could do. Well in the end of fourth grade I moved then. I still didn’t go to church until sixth grade. But I only went for a small sliver of time before I got to seventh. But lets go back to fifth grade really fast. If you have read this far, I applaud you because I wouldn’t be able to keep up to this far. IN fifth grade my mom started dating this guy who had MPD (multiple personality disorder) he was nice at first but then he started to let his other sides show. He would threaten to beat us all the time for the littlest things. I remember the one time I by accidentally got my doll stuck on the roof and he threatened to beat the sh— out of me. His nineteen year old side of him decided to start liking my oldest sister. But she had a boyfriend at the time and that didn’t make him too happy. He wouldn’t let them alone ever cause of jealousy. Then one day my mom told him that she didn’t like this and that it was weird for a fifty year old man to like her daughter. He threatened to kill them both. We sat up for nights on end watching each others back. We would take shifts. The whole rest of the year of fifth grade we were exhausted for school from sleepless nights. We finally left him.
It wasn’t until seventh grade I experienced a change that I would never go back on. We started going to the church that i’m currently attending now in sixth grade. THere was a girl in my seventh grade class that I took a liking to and we became friends. She had a shirt that said Restored on the front and on the back it said “Ask how you can win a free mustang” so she told me to come to youth group for restored and I was psyched. It was probably like the third night of this Restored when something just pulled at my heart strings and I gave into God again. I felt his prescence more that night than I did ever before. I remember that night when I was getting saved Crashed by Daughtry was playing. “Then I crashed into you and I went up in flames. Could’ve been the death of me but then you breathed your breath in me.” I took that as a huge thing I could’ve died from sin but then God stepped in and pulled at my heartstrings long enough. I went through that whole sinners prayer. I got baptized and I thought YEAH. NOTHING IS GOING TO MAKE MY FAITH WAVER.
A lot of people laughed at me for being christian. I was immediately put down. Then this past year I went through a year of questioning god again. I turned bi-sexual and sent pictures to other girls and guys. I had little “flings” with girls. I also cut. It was the WORST moment in my life.
But my one friend, Chris, helped me through it all. He had my back through the whole thing. I still can’t get over how amazing he was during the whole time I went through this. He made me realize that God is there and that he loved me so much. I cried every night and then here Chris comes along sent by God to help me through things. From then on I got back on track with God. If it weren’t for God and Chris then i’d probably be off somewhere doing drugs or cutting some more. I thank God for Chris all the time because we have each other’s backs.
From then on my life has been changed for the better. Now, I can go on explaining why I believe in God and tell of all the miraculous things he has done. But I use my faith and believe through my faith that there is a God. Now, I applaud you if you stuck this far with me through this whole thing. If you have any questions or concerns go on. Tell them to me. I’ve heard worse.